


My Heart Beats For You

by Kimmimaru



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Keith is a hurt boi, M/M, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Season 8, Sheith is endgame, Shiro (Voltron) is a Mess, Time Skips, Until it isn't, minor cheating, so much pain, vent fic, well for everyone except curtis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 04:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17052734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimmimaru/pseuds/Kimmimaru
Summary: Shiro can't cope with his intense feelings for Keith so he pushes him away during the war with Haggar. Keith is confused and hurting but every time he tries to figure things out Shiro only gives him the cold shoulder.A time-skippy fic where I try to process the complete weirdness that was season 8. It is so angsty I couldn't handle it. Enjoy the agony my friends.





	My Heart Beats For You

“Keith, not right now I'm busy.”  
  
Keith watches Shiro walk across the room, passing him by with a tablet in his hands. He turns on the spot to watch him reply to some sort of message, “You told us to go spend time with the people we...care about.” He says quietly, wrapping his arms around his middle as if he can hold back the waves of pain and anger he's feeling at Shiro's dismissal.  
  
“Then go do that. I told you, I'm swamped today.”  
  
Keith frowns at Shiro's back, confusion and pain flashing behind purple eyes, “You know as well as I do that mom's off base with Kolivan. What am I supposed to do? Everyone else...they've all got family to see. Shiro, just take an hour off...”  
  
“I said no, Keith.” Shiro sighs, running his free hand through his hair, “I thought you'd at least understand, we're about to fly off into a war. I need to be here, to prepare-”  
  
“Fine.” Keith sucks in a sharp breath, shoulders tensing, “Whatever.” He walks to the door but halts just as it opens, “You know, I guess I just thought we could actually talk about what happened back then...I...I need to talk to you about it.”  
  
“I don't have time.” Shiro replies, his voice tense and unusually sharp.  
  
Keith runs his fingers through his hair, trying to breathe through the ache in his chest, “You remember what you said to me?” He whispers, his own voice low and roughened with emotion, “I know...it...wasn't you but...I relive it. Every...every night. _Shiro_...”  
  
“Keith, I can't do this. Not now.” Shiro's voice cracks, his hands shaking on the pad. His shoulders hunching as if he's physically trying to flee Keith's presence despite the fact that he's blocking the only escape.  
  
Neither of them dare look at the other.  
  
“Yeah...sure. I guess I'll see you at the launch tomorrow then captain.”   
  
Shiro opens his mouth, unsure what he wants to say but when he turns around he's alone.  
  
Keith takes Cosmo and seeks out the Black Lion. He climbs up it's body and finds himself a perch on it's nose, once there he curls up beside his space wolf and buries his face in it's fur. His fingers dig deep and he hears the wolf let out a low puff of air, his rough tongue laps cautiously at Keith's hand. “It's ok boy,” Keith whispers, eyes closing and a long sigh escaping him, “I'm...gonna be ok.”  
  
XXX  
  
It's been three days. Three days out from their solar system and Keith hasn't seen Shiro except during meetings. He feels...lost. More alone that he had done before they'd even met. It hurts like a broken tooth, a dull, throbbing kind of ache that feels as if it'll never go away. Nothing numbs it, not even Coran's disgusting Nunvil, no matter how much he drinks. He goes to bed during the night cycle and stares up at his ceiling, wishing that he could seek Shiro out and climb into his bed just as they had several times on the castle ship. When he does manage to find sleep he's thrown into nightmares. He sees rows upon rows of Shiro's clones. He feels the sting of betrayal, the agony of hearing all of his fears spat back at him in Shiro's voice. He sees the way Shiro's eyes widen when Keith admits the truth...  
  
 _I love you.  
  
_ He feels the moment his heart breaks when their blades meet over and over again.   
  
He wakes in a sweat, chest heaving and reaching out...searching for the hand that should have been there to stop him from drowning. But he always finds nothing. Just the emptiness of the bed beside him.  
  
XXX  
  
Two weeks later he finally corners Shiro again. This time it's on the bridge, and he's alone. Keith sidles up to him and leans against the console beside him, folding his arms across his chest.  
  
“What is it, Keith?”  
  
Keith tries to meet Shiro's gaze but Shiro's staring at something on the screen to his right. Keith's chest hurts, the words are difficult to get out but he has to try. He's so sick of falling and no longer having anyone there to cushion the impact. He's tired of being alone. “Why are you avoiding me?” He asks, blunt and to the point.

 

Shiro hesitates as he punches in numbers and slowly lets his eyes drift to Keith's face before flicking away again, “I'm not avoiding you,” He tries to laugh but the sound is stiff and awkward, “I'm always here for any of you if you need me.”  
  
Keith swallows, looking down at his boots and wishing things were easier. “We haven't even exchanged more than a hello in weeks, Shiro...I...I miss you. I miss my best friend, please, let's just...hang out or something.”  
  
“I...” Shiro tenses again and Keith can already hear the rejection before it's even out of his mouth, “I'm sorry, Keith. I have a lot to do. I'm captain of the Atlas now, I need to get to know as much as I can about her before we see action.”  
  
It still hurts, even if he was expecting it. “I understand that but I-”  
  
“Keith, please, I'm really busy. Go find Hunk or Pidge...I'd say Lance too but since he and Allura had that date they're pretty hard to find.”  
  
Keith flinches but Shiro doesn't see it. He's too engrossed in whatever information is appearing on his screen. Keith doesn't reply, he turns on his heel and leaves.   
  
XXX  
  
“Why...why won't you just...say something! Anything! Just...scream at me! Punch me! I don't even care anymore I need you to just. Look. At. Me.” Keith's standing in front of Shiro in his quarters, the living area is small and brightly lit. Shiro's face is white, his clothes still covered in smudges of ash and soot from the planet they'd just left, “Please, _please_ , I'm...I'm begging you Shiro...”  
  
“You...nearly died.” Shiro whispers, his voice hoarse, shock still evident in the way he holds himself. His eyes are wide, but fixed on a point to Keith's left.  
  
“So? I've nearly died a thousand fucking times before! Why would that change anything now?”  
  
“You nearly died and I...I couldn't...I just...stood there...” Shiro's hands shake too much for him to do more than curl them into fists, his eyes are wide and slightly blank behind the thin layer of dust that covers them both. He can see scrapes and bruises covering Keith's skin, purplish in the harsh electric lighting above them. His eyes are manic, desperate. His hair a mess from the fight with Zethrid and the number of times he's run his fingers through it. Shiro vaguely notices how long it's getting.  
  
“Yeah. You did.” Keith's eyes are as wide as Shiro's, hectic with adrenaline and sparkling with a mixture of fury and agony. He hurts physically but the worst pain is too deep for any medication to reach. He can feel the distance between them as surely as he can feel the gash across his right arm and the bruises across his throat.   
  
“Keith...”  
  
Keith shakes his head slowly, “You won't even look at me anymore.” He breathes. “What...what am I to you, Shiro?”  
  
Shiro opens his mouth to speak but no words come. He's numb. He's drained from the fight, from seeing Keith nearly tossed off of a cliff and into a lava filled volcano. He's exhausted, mentally and physically. He doesn't know what to say to him anymore. Something broke between them, something essential and Shiro has no idea how to fix it. He's not an engineer like Hunk or Coran, he's no good with emotions like Allura is. How can he explain the guilt and pain he feels every time he sees that scar on Keith's face? How can he tell him that he loves him too much? That he's broken. Dangerous. How can he tell Keith that he's ripped people apart in the arena? That his hands are so drenched in blood now that he can't even tell what colour the skin beneath is. How can he explain that every night he wakes up in a cold sweat thinking that his hand was piercing Keith's chest? How can he ever tell him that every night he wakes with the taste of Keith's blood in his mouth?  
  
His silence is incriminating. Keith lets out a rush off air like he's been punched. He deflates, eyes turning glassy, narrowing as he stares at Shiro like he'd meant every word his clone had said to him. Shiro can't take it back now, it's too late. Years. They'd known each other for years and somehow Haggar destroyed everything in a matter of moments.  
  
Keith walks away.  
  
XXX  
  
“Don't...don't kiss me.” Keith turns his head away from James' lips, lifting a hand to push against his chest. They're both breathing hard, half naked from the waist up and surrounded by rumpled bed sheets. James frowns at him but finally shrugs, putting it down to Keith just being Keith.  
  
“Fine.” He sighs and pushes a hand inside Keith's tight pants, getting his fingers around his cock with a groan, “God, I've wanted this for years.” He breaths against Keith's throat and gets a soft breath in response.  
  
Keith is quiet until he comes with a rough groan, eyes falling closed and a small frown creasing his brows. James follows with a hiss. The walls of the Atlas are thin and neither of them want to get caught.   
  
Afterwards Keith dresses himself quickly and slips from James' room. There's an ache in his chest that not even an orgasm could get rid of, it doesn't help that he'd come thinking of Shiro. The last and only time they'd ever fucked. Just after the defeat of Sendak's forces, after Keith had saved him. One single fuck, rough, desperate and against a wall with their pants down by their ankles. Keith's face pressed into the cold wall of the Garrison's barracks, Shiro's hands leaving bruises on his hips. He'd spent a week smiling whenever he saw them, the memory had been pleasant until Shiro had pulled away. Until he had distanced himself. Now the memory only brought more pain.  
  
XXX  
  
Clear Day, a time for celebration for the strange, mole-like aliens. The Paladin's all split up to have some fun but Keith can't bring himself to enjoy the festivities. He watches Pidge run off with her family, Lance spot a stall with hoops and Hunk wonder off in search of new foods to try. Shiro fades into the crowds almost as soon as they land, leaving Keith alone again. He wonders the fair, watching the bright lights and listening to the revelry around him. Once again he's an observer, trapped on the outskirts and looking in. A stranger.   
  
He doesn't expect there to be an attack but he asks around anyway.   
  
When he finds himself in the tent where the arm wrestling tournament's being held he watches with everyone else as Shiro beats their champion. The smile on his face is one Keith hasn't seen in so long that it doesn't take much for him to get swept up in the celebration. He stands to the side, a little way from the others who surround Shiro in a hug. He watches, a fond smile crossing his face as hope blooms that perhaps Shiro's coming back to himself.  
  
His hope is crushed soon after. He finds Shiro standing by the stage talking to a guy who works on the bridge of the Atlas. Keith should know his name but he's always been bad at that. He smiles and makes to go over to offer his congratulations but comes to an abrupt halt when the guy leans in and adjusts the collar of Shiro's uniform, causing Shiro to blush and smile in a way Keith's never seen before.   
  
It hurts. It's the worst kind of pain. It hits him like a bullet, his heart hammering inside his chest like it wants to escape. Keith stumbles back away, eyes glued to their hands as their fingers brush. Shiro's just showing off his Altean arm but to Keith it's the most intimate he's ever seen Shiro be with anyone...except him.  
  
Suddenly it's too hard to breathe. The air in the tent is stagnant. Every pull feels like he's breathing in poisonous gas. He turns away and stumbles into the stage, knocking over a light. The sound as it falls alerts Shiro to his presence but before he can speak Keith's running. He runs out of the tent and out into the cool evening, stars surrounding him and swirling like he's on one of the rides. The screams of joy and sounds of people surrounding him fade away until all he can hear is the blood rushing through his head. He runs back to his lion, leaps into his chair and leaves the planet.   
  
XXX  
  
They lost so much.   
  
The feeling of Allura's last hug lingers on long after she's gone. It hurts. She was a friend. Family. A sister he had never known he needed.   
  
The return to earth is startling and leaves him feeling off balance. They return and nothing's changed. The Earth still turns, the stars remain the same as they ever were.   
  
Back in his room at the Garrison he stares around himself and realises that he doesn't belong. He had thought that after finding his family, after everything they'd all been through that feeling would have gone away but he stands in the centre of his empty bedroom and feels an ache that has little to do with Shiro.   
  
He keeps quiet. He helps the others ferry the Altean's to the new Altea. He doesn't meet Shiro's eyes anymore and Shiro has stopped trying to be polite. They come to a quiet truce as they work to rebuild. A month later and Keith leaves with barely a word. The others expect it, accepting it with smiles and shrugs and talk of seeing him soon and keeping in touch.  
  
He throws himself into helping the Galra recover, he helps them establish a new government and refuses point blank to lead them. He's done being a leader. He's done fighting. He's tired. So, so tired.  
  
A year passes and he's summoned back to Altea to celebrate Allura's life. He goes, apprehension sitting uncomfortably in his gut. Seeing Shiro is painful, even more so when he looks at him like he personally hung the stars. Keith offers a polite greeting before allowing himself to be yanked into one of Hunk's painfully tight embraces.   
  
They eat. They drink. They talk about Allura. Lance grieves, they all grieve. And then they go to bed. Keith lies awake staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling, heart in his throat and thinking about how close Shiro is after so many months.   
  
Keith leaves the morning after the lions do. He packs as fast as he can, planning on sneaking away while the others sleep but he's interrupted by a knock on his door.   
  
“Keith?”  
  
Shiro's voice makes Keith's mouth go dry. He takes a slow, deep breath and tries to calm his heart, “Yeah...I'm up.”  
  
“Can I...can I come in?”  
  
Keith hesitates before finally agreeing. The door slides open to reveal Shiro dressed in his pyjamas still, his eyes move to the pile of bags and he nods to himself. “I shouldn't be surprised really,” He smiles weakly, waving at the bags, “Should've guessed you wouldn't be staying long.”  
  
“I have a lot to do.” Keith evades, bending to pack the long range communicator Pidge had forced onto him with a dire warning that if he didn't answer it when she called she'd hunt him down.   
  
“Yeah...I suppose you do.” Shiro shifts, his bare feet curling on the soft carpet.  
  
“What do you want, Shiro?” Keith looks up, eyes dark.  
  
“I...” Shiro hesitates, sighing before moving to the bed and sitting down. He lowers his head and stares at the carpet, “I'm not really sure,” He says slowly, “I guess I was just hoping...that maybe...you could forgive me?”  
  
Keith swallows, looking away from Shiro's familiar form. He puts away some of his socks and zips up his bag, sitting back on his heels and putting his hands on his thighs, “Forgive you for what?” He asks in a whisper.  
  
“For...everything. For leading you on like I did...for...for hurting you in one of the worst ways.”  
Keith looks up then, seeing Shiro watching him from those beautiful grey eyes, “Shiro...” His voice comes out far shakier than he'd like, “You don't need to apologise. Not to me.”  
  
“I do. I hurt you...I ruined our friendship. That's all on me.”  
  
Keith manages to force a small smile, “It's ok. Water under the bridge,” He rises, hoisting his pack over his shoulder, “Dunno when I'll see you guys again. I'm going back to the Blades, we're going to turn ourselves into a humanitarian group and help people instead of killing them.”  
  
“That's...that's really good Keith.” Shiro replies, smiling despite himself.  
  
“Yeah. I need to do something and I...I don't fit in on Earth, never really did. I belong in space, Shiro...I was...never meant to settle down and live like everyone else.”  
  
Shiro rises, moving across the room towards him and cups his face with both hands, “I know. You always were meant for so much more.” He gently brushes his thumbs beneath Keith's eyes, his eyes crinkling at the edges as if he's holding back too much emotion, “I always knew you'd do great things.”  
  
Keith stares up into Shiro's face, trying to memorise the way his hands feel against his skin. He lifts his hand to cover Shiro's and leans into his touch. He closes his eyes, breath hitching and voice trembling, “All you gotta do is ask.” He whispers. “Ask me to stay. Ask me to stay with you. I'll do it.”  
  
Shiro's lips brush Keith's forehead, just between his eyes. He shivers as he feels hot breath against his skin. Shiro's fingers linger over the scar on his cheek, just barely brushing it as if he was afraid. Then all at once he pulls away, steps back from Keith and takes all the heat in the room with him, “Keep in touch, Keith. We'll miss you.”  
  
Keith's heart shatters like a glass dropped from a height. He opens his eyes, blinking away the tear that slides down his face. They stare at each other for a long minute before Keith turns on his heel and walks away.

 

XXX  
  
When Keith returns two years later to earth he's greeted by an exuberant Pidge, the second his ship touches down she's on him like leech. He laughs, struggling to stay upright as Lance and Hunk both run towards the landing pad and surround him. Lance punches him in the shoulder before dragging him from Pidge to embrace him. Then he's picked up by Hunk's massive arms and lifted into the air, crushed brutally against his broad chest.   
  
Finally Keith gets put back on his feet and they step back to look him up and down.  
  
“Hey, you ever hear of a hair brush man? You look like you've just stepped out of a hedge.”  
  
Keith touches his hair a little self consciously, “Hey, I brush it. It just...doesn't stay neat for long.”  
  
“Well, at least you got rid of the mullet,” Lance grins and slaps his back, “It's good to see you man.”  
  
“Yeah,” Keith smiles but he looks around and notices they're missing one, “Where's Shiro?” Pidge and Lance exchange a look that makes Keith's stomach sink, “What happened? Is he ok?”  
  
“He's fine. Chill out, he's just stuck in a meeting right now. Being an intergalactic ambassador keeps him pretty busy, you know?”  
  
“Oh...yeah I guess it would.” Keith feels his face burn at how obvious he had been and tries to focus on Pidge's talk as they make their way towards the Garrison itself. He can't help but notice how much his friends have all aged. Pidge is taller now, her hair a little longer and her face much more feminine. He's certain she must have a lot of admirers even if she isn't interested in romance. Hunk's bulked up, his stomach gone from puppy fat to muscle, a sparse smattering of hair covers his chin as he smiles broadly. Lance is as lanky as ever but his jaw is stronger, more masculine and less sharp.

 

Keith's acutely aware of how little he's changed. He's a tad taller and his hair is longer but ultimately he remains the same. Krolia had told him that he wouldn't age as fast as his friends, that his Galra blood would extend his life span beyond human years. The thought only makes him sad so he tries not to think about it as he's led through the doors of the Garrison and given a brief tour. Pidge has her own lab now, it's as messy as her room on the castle had been. Hunk shows him the kitchen, tells him about how he's helping to bring planets together through his cooking. Keith makes him promise to cook him some real Galran food, in particular a meat stew that he has become fond of since working with them. Lance tells him about his farm, how they're growing Altean plants to sell. He tells him how Veronica finally got engaged and that his cousins are growing up so fast.   
  
None of them mention Allura. Keith knows Lance is unlikely to move on any time soon. Even years later he's still grieving.  
  
They take him to a large meeting room that is just clearing out, people of all species exit the room chatting with one another in various languages. Keith moves out of their way and waits with the others until the room is finally empty, then Pidge peers around the door with a grin, “Shiiiroooo,” She calls, causing the man inside to look up, adjusting his glasses.  
  
“Pidge, hi. Wasn't expecting you here.”  
  
“Well, I found something interesting you'll want to see.”  
  
Shiro frowns but it moves to surprise when Pidge steps aside to reveal Keith with his bag slung over one shoulder. He's dressed in a outfit similar to what Kolivan wore once upon a time. His long hair is tied back and it sharpens his cheek bones. His eyes are wide and lips slightly parted as he stares at Shiro.   
  
“K-Keith!” Shiro stands, knocking papers to the floor. Before he can think he's moved around his table and is walking towards him. “God, look at you. You haven't changed...” Shiro reaches out with his human arm, fingers barely brushing Keith's cheek, Keith looks at it and spots the glint of metal on his finger. A ring. Shiro doesn't wear rings. Something inside him turns cold, Shiro notices where his gaze lingers and he drops his hand back to his side. “You look...good. You look _really_ good.” He says breathlessly, wide eyes moving over Keith's face and body like he's trying to devour him.  
  
“Yeah...you too...” Keith shifts, admiring the cut of Shiro's stubbled jaw and the new addition of the glasses. It makes his heart beat a little harder, makes his palms sweat. He swallows and Lance clears his throat to break the awkward tension.  
  
“Sooo, you busy now? We were gonna get some lunch and catch up.” Lance's eyebrow rises as if he's challenging Shiro to say no.  
  
“Uh...y-yeah. Yeah. I'll just put away these papers and then we'll get going.”  
  
Pidge smiles brightly, “Great! It'll just be like old times.”  
  
The cafeteria is filled with laughter. Hunk tells them about some funny story of an Oredean Princess who thought that Pidge would make an excellent new consort and how Pidge had turned her down cold. Lance has tears in his eyes from laughter, Pidge is flushed and sputtering in embarrassment and Shiro's laugh is deep and lacks his old reservations. Keith could live off of the sound alone. The light streaming through the windows highlights Shiro's white hair so it sparkles like moonlight and Keith wants nothing more than to push his fingers into it.   
  
“Oh, hi. I didn't know you had a visitor Takashi,”  
  
The laughter dies down and everyone turns to look at the newcomer. Keith remembers him from the Atlas and from the tent on clear day. Keith's fork drops from his numb fingers, clattering onto the plate and drawing everyone's gaze. Lance's eyes dart from Keith to the man and back again before he rises, “Hey, c'mon guys lets go see some more of the labs.” He grabs Keith's elbow and lifts him from his seat, dragging him away, “Shiro'll catch us up, won't you?”  
  
“Huh? Oh yeah. Sure.” Shiro smiles at them as they all leave.  
  
Keith lets himself be led out of the mess hall and into the winding corridors, “Shiro's...married?” He asks in a low whisper, looking at Lance desperately as if he could deny the obvious.   
  
“Married? No.” Pidge shakes her head, “Curtis is his fiancé.”  
  
Keith stumbles but Lance holds him steady, his grip almost painfully tight.  
  
“C'mon, we'll talk more in here.” Lance drags Keith into the small room and sits him down in a chair. Pidge and Hunk follow, sharing worried glances with one another. “Look man, none of us wanted you to find out this way. Honestly I tried to get Shiro to tell you before you got here...but he...I guess he forgot.” Lance winces as Keith's face drains of colour.  
  
“Keith, we're sorry. We should've told you.” Pidge offers, dropping to her knees and putting her hand on his knee.  
  
“Yeah, this is on us. We thought it'd be better coming from Shiro.” Hunk sighed, rubbing at the back of his head, “It's gotta be hard for you.”  
  
“Hard?” Keith looks up, blinking away the burn in his eyes. He forces a laugh, “Nah, it's fine. I'm...happy for him. Really.”  
  
His friends all exchange disbelieving looks but Keith can only think of the little band of silver around Shiro's finger.  
  
“Well, I'm gonna go find somewhere to stay...” He rises, hiding his shaking hands by picking up his pack which he'd dropped.   
  
“Shiro said you could have a room here in the Garrison if you-”  
  
“No. I'm...gonna find somewhere else.” Keith walks to the door but pauses before it, “Is he...is he really happy?” He asks in a quiet sort of voice.  
  
“Yeah. He is.” Lance replies sadly, “I'm sorry.”  
  
Keith shakes his head, voice tightening and breaking, “No. It's fine. It's...good. I'm...happy f-for him.” With that he stepped out into the hall and disappeared.  
  
XXX  
  
“Keith, I want you to be my best man,”  
  
Shiro may as well have stabbed him in the guts. It would've hurt less. Keith takes a moment to process the request before he manages to force a painful smile, “Really? It'd...be an honour.”  
  
Shiro's smile is almost worth it. Almost.  
  
XXX  
  
“You're an idiot, you know that right?”  
  
Shiro sighs, rubbing at his temples as he sits in his office chair in front of his desk, “Lance, why're you even here?”  
  
Lance shrugs, “Dunno. Waiting for you to realise that you're making a huge fucking mistake.”  
  
“Look, I told you that me and Keith...we just drifted apart. We can't fix what was broken, it's too late for that.”  
  
Lance crosses his arms over his chest and perches on Shiro's desk, fixing him with a glare that reminds him all too much of Allura, “You're being stupid. Whatever it is that happened between you can be fixed. Keith'll listen to you if you ask to talk, you know he will. He'd do anything for you Shiro.”  
  
“I know! And that's the problem isn't it? I can't do that to him or Curtis. I love Curtis, we're good together...we're happy, Lance. For the first time in my life I have something normal. He's good to me.”  
  
Lance's face softens a little and he puts a hand on Shiro's shoulder, “I know I'm not in a position to give out advice but Shiro, Keith's so in love with you he's falling apart. Everyone could see it, man. Allura...she thought you two'd end up together.”  
  
Shiro shivers, “Well, she was wrong. We were...all wrong.”  
  
“The love of my life is dead, Shiro. It's too late for me to change that but you have a chance. Don't let him slip away again.”   
  
Lance gets up and walks away, his fingers moving to his cheek where the Altean marks linger as he leaves the office. Shiro stares down at the papers on his desk, barely comprehending what they're saying. He reaches into his desk draw and lifts out a photograph in an old, worn frame. It shows Keith and him lying together fast asleep in the lounge of the castle of lions, Shiro's hand is resting on Keith's head which rests comfortably in his lap. A small smile tugs at his lips as he runs his finger over Keith's image.  
  
XXX  
  
“The rings, please?”  
  
Keith takes a second to realise that the officiator is speaking to him. He reaches into his pocket and, with a shaking hand withdraws the small box. He hands it to the woman who smiles and turns back to the happy couple before her.   
  
“I declare you married, you may now kiss.”  
  
Keith looks away as Curtis draws Shiro close and presses their lips together. He stares out over the small crowd. He tries to think of other things and ignore the pain in his chest and when everyone cheers the only sound he hears is his heart breaking for the hundredth time.  
  


At the after party Keith sits at the bar, downing as much alcohol as he possibly can. He's alone, people are too busy dancing and talking and enjoying the wedding. His hands shake as he cups them around his glass, gazing into the liquid within, all he can see is Shiro's soft smile and the gentle way he touches Curtis' shoulder. His chest feels tight, his eyes are burning. He stands and finishes his glass before walking towards the exit of the wedding tent. He escapes into the early evening, trying to breathe in the cool air. He can't seem to get in a full breathe, his chest aches. He stumbles into a nearby statue and leans against it a moment, his stomach twisting painfully before bile sears his throat. He vomits the tiny amount he'd managed to eat onto the concrete, hands white knuckled as he clutches at the stone memorial beside him. It takes him a moment to catch his breath and wipe his mouth on the sleeve of his pristine white suit. His knees give way beneath him and he sinks to the ground, burying his face in his hands as grief overcomes him.   
  
He's not sure how long he stays there, tears pouring down his face, collecting on his shirt collar and the palms of his hands but he feels someone touch his shoulder.   
  
“C'mon, up you get.”  
  
Keith lets himself be pulled back to his feet, sniffling and unable to control his breathing. Lance puts his arm over his shoulders and helps him move to a nearby bench, he gently lowers Keith down and sits at his side.   
  
Finally Keith's desperate, heaving sobs subside and he takes a deep, shuddering breath.  
  
“You ok now?”  
  
Keith nods slowly, “Yeah...uh...thanks.”  
  
“Hey, no problem. You looked like you could use a shoulder, you know?”  
  
Keith can't bring himself to look at Lance but he's glad in a way, although embarrassed by his meltdown. He hates showing weakness but at least now he can breathe a little easier. He sniffs again and looks up at the star spattered sky, a deep, desperate longing pulling at his heart.   
  
“You're gonna leave again, huh?”  
  
Keith uses the handkerchief Lance hands to him and wipes at his nose and eyes, he nods weakly. “Yeah. I...there's nothing here for me anymore.”  
  
“That's not true and you know it.” Lance reminds him, frowning, “You got us. Me, Hunk and Pidge. You've always got us.”  
  
Keith laughs wetly and finally meets Lance's eyes, “Yeah, I'm sorry. I just...can't be around them. Not right now.”  
  
“I get it.” Lance shrugs awkwardly fiddling with his shirt sleeve, “You know, Keith I...I talked to Shiro. About you.” Keith feels a cool breeze blow through his hair and sighs, “I told him he's making a mistake but you know, he thinks he's hurt you too much. He's...scared. Of what he did to you.”  
  
Keith blinks, “That's stupid.”  
  
“Yeah, well...Shiro's as dense as a brick sometimes.”  
  
Keith touches the scar on his face and lowers his head, “I need to talk to him.”  
  
“They're leaving for their honey moon tomorrow.” Lance reminds him, mouth pressing into a thin line, “Keith, he's married now. He's...trying to move on. Maybe it's time you did too?”  
  
“Says the guy who's still unable to get over his girlfriend. You know Allura would want you to move on too.”  
  
Lance flushes and looks away, frowning, “I'm not ready.”  
  
“Yeah, neither am I.” Slowly Keith stands, brushing a hand through his hair and down his front, when he's as presentable as possible he starts towards the wedding tent with a determined step. Lance jumps up and follows him.  
  
“Keith, you've had a lot to drink. Don't do anything you're gonna regret!”  
  
Keith shrugs Lance off, glaring at him, “I won't.” He insists and Lance lets him go. He strides into the tent again, seeing the crowd gathered and watching Shiro slow dance with Curtis. They're smiling at each other as if they're the only two people in the universe, it hits Keith like a truck and knocks the wind out of him. He stands on the edge of the dance floor and watches Curtis spin Shiro around, sees their delirious smiles and intertwined fingers. Keith clutches at his chest, body vibrating with emotion. Lance stands at his elbow, eyeing him cautiously. Keith swallows hard and finally turns away, “I'm leaving. Tell the others I'm sorry.” And with that he leaves. Ignoring Lance's protests and returns to the night. He goes back to his rooms and packs quickly, stuffing everything haphazardly into a bag. Then he gets a cab to the Garrison and climbs into his ship. His hands shake even as he sets a course for Daibazaal, tears slide down his cheeks and he finds his breath hitching.   
  
Finally he lifts off. When he breaches the atmosphere and finally leaves earth behind he doesn't look back.   
  
When he touches down on the Galran home world he's greeted by his surprised mother and Kolivan, he steps out onto the ground and drops his bag at his feet. Krolia moves towards him and wraps him in an embrace, she sighs, closing her eyes as he tightens his arms around her waist. “Come, there's food waiting for you.” She says after a moment and they pull away from each other. Keith picks up his bag again and follows, head low and Kolivan puts a hand on his shoulder as they enter a large building.  
  
XXX  
  
No one hears from Keith for over a year. When next they meet on Altea to continue the tradition of celebrating Allura's life, he greets them all with a small smile. Coran is as exuberant as ever as he slings an arm around Keith's shoulder and pulls him towards the castle, it gleams pure white in the bright sunlight and Keith takes a deep breath. He prepares himself for seeing Shiro again but when he does it still hurts like he's tearing open a deep wound.   
  
“Keith,” Shiro's smile may as well be a dagger. He reaches out and takes Keith's hand in his, however, he doesn't move closer. His eyes are soft behind the lenses of his glasses and his white hair is pushed back from his face. When he looks Keith up and down he notices a large purple bruise on his face, marks covering his wrist and one arm is in a sling.  
  
“Woah, what happened to you?” Pidge exclaims, eyes wide.  
  
Keith shrugs his good shoulder, “We were helping to evacuate a planet, it was dying and the people couldn't escape. We...we...saved as many as we could but...” He sighs, shaking his head, “I got caught up in a rock slide.”  
  
“Well, glad you're ok.” lance smiles and shakes Keith's hand.  
  
“Yeah, so am I.” Keith replies but it doesn't feel like he means it.  
  
Keith explains that he broke several ribs, shattered his arm and was very nearly crushed to death.  
  
“If it wasn't for Frek and Drev I'd've been a gonner.” He says, sitting down at their usual table beneath Allura's statue, he stares at his food, realising he has no appetite now.  
  
“You should be more careful, I thought you'd left your reckless days behind you?” Lance smirks, nudging Keith gently in the side.  
  
“I didn't have a choice. There were a bunch of kids trapped on the mountain side, we had to get them out.” Keith swishes his spoon through the purple soup and frowns, remembering the screams, the sound of rock crushing bone and then the terrible, ringing silence afterwards.   
  
“But you saved them, right?” Pidge asks, glancing around at everyone's solemn faces, “Oh.” She lowers her eyes and bites on her lip, “I'm sorry.”  
  
“It's...ok. We tried.” Keith blinks himself out of the memory and forces a smile, “So, what's happening with you guys?”  
  
Lance tells him about his farm, about how Kalterneker's calf was doing. Hunk regails them all with the tale of his new cook book _recipe's from around the universe._ Pidge tells them about Matt's wedding and Shiro chimes in with some stories. Finally dinner comes to an end, Pidge is first to rise and declare that she's got a lot to do. She bids them farewell and leaves them. Lance goes next, taking a moment to touch Allura's memorial with a small smile before he too leaves. Hunk falls asleep where he sits and Coran decides it's time he turned in too. It leaves Keith and Shiro alone, the silence awkward and almost painfully unbearable.   
  
“So...uh...how've you been, other than...you know...” Shiro waves a hand at Keith's arm.

 

“Oh...fine.” He lies, smiling weakly, “What about you and Curtis? You didn't talk about him much.”  
  
Shiro's smile falters briefly before he shrugs, “Well, Curtis has been talking about moving out of the barracks, you know? He says I work too much and wants to get out and find a place of our own but...well, the Garrison's my life now. I don't know what I'd do without it.”  
  
“Can't imagine you with a white picket fence and a dog.” Keith agrees, his smile relaxing a bit.  
  
Shiro laughs, “No. Me neither.” He shifts awkwardly and finishes his drink, “You wanna...maybe go for a walk?”  
  
Keith knows he shouldn't. He knows it'll be a mistake but... “Yeah, why not?” He rises slowly, wobbling a little as the nunvil starts to affect him but Shiro catches him under the elbow with a smile. Keith feels his face warm and he looks away.  
  
They walk around Allura's monument, Keith takes a moment to look up at her smiling face and feels one of his own on his face. He places a flower he'd picked from the various gardens at her feet before they move on. The night is warm and Shiro takes off his jacket as they walk in silence, revealing a tight t-shirt that only accentuates his broad shoulders. He slings it over his shoulder and smiles at Keith, his eyes as soft as they ever were. His heart hurts. He has to force himself to look away.   
  
They soon find themselves standing on a cliff, overlooking a field of juniberry flowers. A soft breeze picks up Keith's hair and blows it into his eyes, he admires the view but is startled when a finger reaches out and pushes some of his hair behind his ear. Keith blinks, looking up at Shiro with wide eyes. He opens his mouth to speak but Shiro presses a finger to his lips, silencing him. He moves in close, eyes glued to Keith's. Their bodies are pressed against one another and Keith wants to lean in, he wants to feel Shiro's heart beat. Before Keith can move Shiro's captured his jaw in one large hand and is tilting it up, he's leaning in and their mouths are touching. Keith shudders, eyes closing as Shiro claims his lips. The kiss is soft, tentative almost but when Shiro tries to pull away Keith lifts his uninjured arm and curls his fingers into Shiro's hair. He drags him down to his mouth again and loses himself in the feel of Shiro's tongue against his own.   
  
“Shiro...” Keith whispers, eyes shut tight, his hand shaking.  
  
“Keith.” Shiro's voice breaks, he pulls him closer, kissing him again. They deepen the kiss, forgetting the world around them, only aware of each other. The moment seems to last an eternity before Shiro pulls away, pressing their foreheads together, “I'm sorry. I...fucked up.”  
  
Keith swallows but he can't make his voice work around the lump in his throat, his eyes sting and he's confused and aching and hurt. He wants Shiro, he wants him like he's never wanted anyone before but...  
  
“Curtis.” Keith's voice breaks on the name, he lets his hand fall from Shiro's hair to his shoulder. “You...you've got Curtis.” He tries to step back but Shiro's grip is powerful, his eyes drawing him in like a tractor beam.  
  
“But I want you. I've...always wanted you, Keith. I was just too stupid and scared and I...I ruined everything.” Shiro laughs humourlessly, “I made a stupid, impulsive decision...it was the wrong decision. If I could take it all back I would.”  
  
Keith's makes a small, strangled noise in the back of his throat, “I'm dreaming.” He breaths, “I've gotta be dreaming because Shiro wouldn't do this.”  
  
“I'm sorry. You're right...god, what am I even thinking? I'm drunk. I'm sorry.” Shiro pulls away, shaking his head and blinking a little too rapidly.  
  
Keith feels Shiro's loss as keenly as a knife in the ribs, he wraps his good arm around his middle and lowers his head, “I'm leaving tomorrow...and I...I dunno when I'll be back again.” The 'if ever' was implied and Shiro's eyes widened. Keith steps back, shaking his head before Shiro can even speak, “I can't do it. I thought...I thought I could be a good friend and be happy for you but...There's just too much history. I can't watch you live your life with someone else not when it should've been me.”  
  
“Keith...”  
  
“I'm sorry. I'm...” Keith's voice breaks and tears start to fall from his eyes, they glisten under the moonlight, and Shiro moves forward to wipe them away but Keith jerks back like he's been burned. “No. Don't...don't do that. I'm going. I'm gonna go stay with mom for a while, see if it's possible to even get over you.” he turns away, walking down the hill and ignoring the weight of Shiro's eyes.   
  
Shiro hesitates but finally feeling returns to his legs, he flies down the hill, running as fast as he can until he catches Keith just before he enters the castle where they're all staying. He grabs his good arm, spins him around and drags him into his arms. He doesn't give Keith a chance and lifts him to his mouth, kissing him deeply, pushing his hands into his hair. Keith stills for a moment before finally kissing him back, moaning heavily into his mouth. Shiro shoves him roughly against the wall, slipping a hand beneath his shirt. The kiss is rough but Shiro can't imagine anything more perfect, even when Keith chokes on a pained sob. He can taste the salt of tears but beneath that is Keith. He can feel his heart beat against his, he can feel his stuttering breath and knows he's crying as much he is. “Ask me.” Shiro whispers against Keith's mouth, “Ask me and I'll do it.”  
  
Keith gasps, eyes flying open to reveal pain and love in equal measures. He swallows a few times, having difficulty finding his voice, “Shiro...”  
  
“Ask me Keith.” Shiro insists, his glasses now sitting lopsidedly on his nose and desperation etched into every line of his face, “Please. I'll...do anything for you.”  
  
Keith lifts his hand and cups Shiro's face in one palm, “Do you love him?”  
  
Shiro swallows before leaning into Keith's touch and closing his eyes, “Not as much as I love you...as I've always loved you.”  
  
Keith takes a breath, he's shaking apart under Shiro's confession, “Leave him.” He says, gaze watery but unwavering, “Leave him for me. It should've been me all along.”  
  
Shiro's smile is weak, painful even in his joy but he strokes Keith's cheek and presses closer, “Yeah. It should've always been you, Keith.”


End file.
